Its been awhile. Since my grandma's stroke scare, I am happy to announce that things are way better.

My grandma went for acupuncture treatment that vastly improved her initial condition. My mom says its amazing for a woman to be able to survive four strokes. yes my grandma has had four strokes during her lifetime. But then again, we're talking about my ex-gangster 'Dai Kar Che' grandma here.

I guess its expected that a strong woman like her won't go down easily.


Like any obstacle, when you get past it, there is a sense of relief, excitement and accomplishment.

I do feel proud of myself for overcoming my fears and deciding to live and treasure every moment. It forces me to reassess my life goals. Imagine my own funeral, and what I want people to be saying about me. That is the standard by which I live my daily life towards.

In the meantime, that doesn't mean its not fun to do so :)

Bangkok's trip was amazing! I guess, after hanging out with Mint, Polli and Khun in Melbourne, it was nice to feel like I was visiting them in their own home. I've gone to Hatyai many many times but it was my first time to Bangkok.




The wonderful thing was that so many of us managed to meet up in Bangkok. so it felt like a wonderful reunion of sorts. I really think of them as life-long friends that are geographically distant, so any physical time together is extremely precious to me.

I'm also glad Rachel came along together in a 'spur of the moment' decision. both of us needed the getaway.

Needless to say its a trip worth remembering every moment of. Definitely one of my best holidays. Its almost painful to know that its over.

But as long as I'm still alive, there's always tomorrow :)

Hours after I wrote the last post, something tragic happened.

It turns out, my instincts are stronger than I thought. The bad thing that I felt coming, finally happened.

My grandmother had a stroke.



Awaken by my parents' early return from Shanghai, I got up to find my dad knocking on my door telling me my grandma had a stroke and to go downstairs and help my ah ma

In a daze, I went down to my grandma's room where my mom was helping her get out of bed. I ask my grandma " Why didn't you tell me?" feeling utterly guilty that I had been at home but completely ignorant of the situation.
Grandma started crying and explained that she only noticed she couldn't walk yesterday. Her speech was slurred and her right limbs were almost paralyzed as she was lifted out of bed.

She was admitted into the hospital.

All my fears about death and suffering seemed to be pushed into my face. As if the Divine power required me to deal with everything in one swift blow. I walked into the hospital horrified. All the sick, maimed and dying were gathered here. The fragility of life on display for all.

Blood pressure tests,Blood samples,and a CT scan later, My grandma laid on the hospital bed with a tube running through her nose into her stomach. They said she seems to have had only a mild stroke.


It's been five days. She's much less of the woman she was. Yet, her fighting spirit remains as she tries hard not to be dependent. I've come to realize that rejecting death is also rejecting life. Things happen for a reason and perhaps this fear was placed upon me to come home to appreciate my family.
It was also because of my return to KL that my parents cut their trip short and was able to detect my grandma's problem before she fell or before her condition worsened. I'm just glad I was here for my grandma.


It seems I really do have the gift of foresight. Sometimes you'd wish gifts like these could be returned.

Everyone has issues. Some seem trivial, some seem impossible.

What does it take to jolt a person out of the calm illusion of everyday life?
What makes a person take stock of their lives and ask "If I die tomorrow, Will I die happy?" Can I say I have done my best?

The Fear of death was my 22nd birthday present.

I currently face, almost every day and every hour, the thought of death. The idea of being nonexistent. or of being aware that I am dead. Of being in a sleep-like state.

the inevitability of it. The finality of it. the end of me as I know it.


I hate this urgent feeling. The sense of the running out of time. I thought it would go away eventually. One month doesn't seem to be the cure. I know this is a can of worms that everyone tries to avoid or remedies with faith that they dare not question.


So I try to understand it. Death is inevitable, therefore just live in the present, live in the now, just live.

I want to be close to my parents. I want all my relationships to be fulfilling and close. I want to be able to die fearless and knowing it was a life worth living. I want people to know the real me.

No I do not have cancer or any known fatal disease. The doctor did not pronounce death upon me. No predictions of doom was uttered. But I just have the fear of the bad that is coming.


Living like a ticking time bomb pushes me to force change. Change is not comfortable. Change is scary. But Change is the only constant.

I've just read my sister's post about me. It galls me inside. It hurts to know you've hurt others. To hear what the person thinks about you. When all is said and done, are we still going to argue over who's right and wrong?

I don't think anybody wants to build bad relationships. How does it happen? Is it because the person is fundamentally flawed? caused by bad choices? or like she said, "all a misunderstanding" one after another till it forks a relationship apart.

Pride makes people think they're right in every situation. Doubt is buried. Regret is born. We all wish we could re-do certain things. But I am honestly sorry that I've hurt you in anyway Rose. I can't say it face to face yet. but I hope you hear me through the web. There are emotional walls I built for many years so I freeze up when it's time to feel.

But if I die, ... I want you to know that I remember chasing those butterflies too.

It's really hard to be honest.

Husbands sometimes keep things from their wives; A son hides his lifestyle from his parents; A friend that may never confess their deepest thoughts. All fearing that somehow telling the truth may disrupt the delicate balance that exists.

You know what I think is the hardest of all?



Being honest with yourself.


When you lie to yourself, there's no one there to see the nervous twitch, or that darting eye, or that little-too-fast tone. Who can tell if you're lying to yourself?

What's worst is that sometimes the mind lies so convincingly, you believe that lie. Your mind creates an illusion that blinds you from what was there in the first place. After years of living that way, getting comfortable and jaded. Can we ever break it then?


Today, I bring myself to trial and interrogate myself. How do I really feel?

...

Hmm...why do I have to go through this again? I seem to have forgotten. Guess my mind has a strong safety control switch .
I just feel a general regret and something deep at the back of my throat.

Maybe you're right we do need to take a break.
I think I should mention to you that I may have overreacted, It takes two hands to clap and I'm sure I have to take some of the blame. It's my tendency as the crowned drama queen to blow things up - LIFE SIZED. So I'm sorry. and my reason? - like Sandra Oh in Grey's Anatomy said " It's because you're (insert name here), and I'm Royce."

Though I can't be honest with myself, I can at least be honest with you.


Royce.


ps: Grrrowing up sucks ass!!!

All this time I was growing up... now I'm just growing old.

:( boooo.....

I love my sister's take on Swine flu. So I'm plagiarising it!

Here you go.

Even my own mother tried to spray the money changer man ,
when she was changing ringgits to Hong Kong currency.

Mom: I need more Hong Kong dollars before I fly tomorrow.
*watches the money changer count*
Me: You know mum hundreds of tourists and employees were under quarantine in a downtown Hong Kong hotel recently ? some Mexican dude travelled to Hong Kong was tested positive for the virus.
Mum : Mmhmm .. * stares into her wallet*
Me: So what if that money he is handing over to you right now is from Hong Kong , and its covered in swine flu ??
Mum: OHh , you're right !!
Me: *jokingly* You should spray him with your anti bacteria dettol spray , hahah
Mum: I should * reaches for spray which she so happens to have just bought*
Me: OMG NOO Dont ! That's harassment
Mum: fine ..*puts spray back*


knowing my mom, she would have done it.


Sisters from the same mister

http://highheelspassion.blogspot.com/

As you will see in the link I've provided, Men are beginning to push the boundaries of fashion. I agree that there just is not enough of variety for the male wardrobe.

What happened to the many creative costumes of the bygone eras? puffy sleeves and silk capes, kimono tops and punjabi suits . The worldwide traditional wear has been replaced by the generic penguin suits.

I demand variety! I demand that the world breaks down their close-minded view of fashion.
Clothes are an extension of the skin for goodness sake.


You Go Cristiano Ronaldo!
That's what I call a brave man.LOL

Quentin Tarantino in his new show "Kill Bra"

this may sound like a strange question, but the whole staff of RMIT is going on Strike as of tomorrow.

For the totally outdated and tragically uninformed, I work part time at the RMIT Student Union. But they haven't told me if I'm supposed to go in for work tomorrow.

I've just received four emails from various different sources, its true...

Apparently staff members of RMIT will start picketing at 12.00pm tommorow, with demonstrative signboards and the whole shebang. the campus shall be flooded.

and thankfully, this means whist the whole uni starts chanting demands of the government, I shall be demonstrating my peace......in bed.

Yay.

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also tell Jesus, that bitch can sing!

I never knew Leighton Meester, AKA Blair Waldorf of GossipGirl actually started off as a singer before gaining fame on screen.

She sounds mighty amazing in these two songs,



But without actually seeing her physically sing in the video, I harbor my doubts of those shocking pipes. This is all I could find of her actual singing, although the song reminds me of emo goth crap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCT-4QK73vY

Everyone should watch this show.

No! it has nothing to do with Dido's Album, except her song's stuck in my head now.
I am sooooo incredibly stressed right now at looking for a new place to live.

Shut uP! I know you bitches are snickering away, laughing at my suffering here.
You have no idea how tough it is to find a place in Melbourne city when you have a BUDGET, need a good LOCATION and you have just come out of a scary housemate situation.

What if I get another freak for a housemate?! when will the horror end?!!




I feel like one of those idiotic horror movie characters that inevitably stick their heads in all the wrong places. (OohH~ Dark creaky basement, I shall walk down slowly to be attacked)

















Yeah, I have to move out in two days, and I have nowhere to go yet. The anticipation is getting to me. I think I'm just going to end up in the backpackers.

No plan B's, No kind offers, No parents to bail me out.

This is Real life boys and girls. the tough shit. Anyone want to rent my life for a bit?

Kerli - Walking On Air

I love this music video because it made me reconsider all the objects we take for granted.


When we look at the oven, we know it makes things hot, the fridge makes things cold.





The video switches things around by making things do the opposite. Imagine a world where


the TV watches you.


You spin around the fan


your bed is made of rocks


Fun stuff-


CHECK IT OUT! CLIQ CLIQ CLICK CLUCK

Clicke for larger sized view.
Part One


Part two

HellO! Everybody!


I'm the perfect Housemate!


I speak five languages, I care about your feelings. And most of all- I'm House-trained!




The reason why I'm whoring myself out as the greatest housemate is because I hate my current one. To protect his undeserving ass, I shall name him the invasive-Skin crawler!


The invasive Skin crawler invited me into his deceptively perfect abode, tastefully furnished and cheaply priced. The thing is, once I moved in, it came with a whole lot of crap that wasn't inviting at all. Like a fly into a venus flytrap, My first night was plagued by nightmares due to being situated next to the bloody tramline. (Train chased dreams-not fun)


And like, He always asks me about what I'm doing, what am I watching, Where am I going.


Feel like just saying "Fuck Off La Pokai! So none of your bloody business ok!"
Then I will go to the kitchen and trash it! There you go!

There was one time, I was eating while watching a video on my laptop with earphones on, cuz he was watching TV and i wanted to be considerate.


So while watching series, one wouldn't be aware of your surroundings right> like so in the zone already.
He then turns to me and says monotonously


"Hey, Do you think you could not chew quite so loudly, It's Gross."


I was just so Shocked/embarassed/stunned/angry, that all I could reply was somthing that adds to my shame. I said



"you mean....You can hear it over the TV?"



Why did i say such a lame thing!??!?! I could have said something cooler like
"It melts in your mouth, not in your hands"...




oK maybe that's just out of the zone, but you get my point.



I know everyone says that we should not move in with friends. But dudes, I think its five times better than moving in with Socially challenged Gollum.


Can You imagine that his main complaint was ' You've lived here with me for a month,and i still don't know anything about you. Everytime I strike up a conversation with you, you shut off and barely reply."


in my mind i'm like "cuz ur a rudeass Pharquer! And ur forcing me to like you which makes me hate u even more!"


Hello! We're Housemates ok! Not Lifemates! Go die in a chibai!

SO moving out!




Oh yeah people, i'm actually very nice wan ok, I'm saying all of this out of frustration, but you can totally ask my ex-housemate Gin just how nice I am.
ooh I think I'm going to ask her for a reference letter. Yay! So pick me up today as your new housemate (now comes with appliances,Knowledge of RMIT uni and rent paying ability)

* Royce head(8.5inch)

* 16mm acrylic eyeballs

* Nobility box for dolls,certification

Make up oder(Make-up could be a little different from the above picture.)

Royce head has been scupted compatible with Volks skin.

Royce head has been scupted compatible with SD13 Volks Body.

I always knew I would be famous. Now they've gone and made dolls in my honor.



You can buy my head now at

http://www.nobilitydoll.com/shop/step1.php?number=761

The sunlights peeks through each of my tiny fingers, prying them apart so that it may tickle my face.

The stubby hand of an 8 year-old is unsuitable for blocking the sun out of your eyes. I smile a silly smile. I turn around to inspect the gift machine. My favourite thing in the whole of Taman Sri Rampai.

I placed the 2o sen coin into it's slot carefully, trying with all my skills to twist its knob just right. My eyes widen as I watch the little plastic egg churn and roll out of the bottom chute. My perfect prize.

The stubby fingers set to work and massaged the little plastic egg. I hoped for that fantastic ring that seem to zap colours into the air. At least that's what it looks like on the cardboard print on the machine.

The egg pops open, and out falls a plastic star...... Were they earrings?

"Ouuhhh~~ Boy~ you gottah ear-lling~" the fat indian storekeeper looked down at me and my latest prize. "bettarr lahk nex Thyme~" and with a jingle of his head he walks back into the dark recesses of his store. The scent of shaved coconuts and something sinister wafted from within.

Oh well,The day was still bright. I took a look at the sky. A breeze relieves the foul stench of rotting coconut shells in the drains. I hopped over the drains and landed on my pudgy feet. The Bata slippers getting slightly stained with mud.

A carefree childhood, to collect dreams and memories.

Mnemosyne is not a word with a spelling error. It is a word in the dictionary. It is the name of the Greek Goddess of Memory, mother of the muses.

I shall now attempt to use this word in a different context. It is now the word I shall use to describe that familiar jumbled up place in my head; the one that is made from your memories. Everyone has a Mnemosyne. It is that place you visualize when you think of the word 'home', taking pieces of where you've lived, and the environment of your defining moments to become a single,all-encompassing place.

In order to explore this, I must now detach myself from my own identity, to get a better look at my ownself.


Royce's Mnemosyne is a curious place. Due to his nomadic childhood which continued into adulthood, his Mnemosyne constantly shifts and reconstructs itself without any sense of order.
The first inhabitant of Mnemosyne is Emerald. rumored to be the goddess of love reincarnate, she is the epitome of emotion.

During one of my explorations in Mnemosyne, I had a conversation with Emerald. She broods upon this darkened tree stump in the middle of a windswept field where it is always just about to rain. It is her throne.

As I had no physical traits whatsoever within Mnemosyne, I couldn't help but admire Emerald's haunting yet beautiful presence. Her sad smile veiled now and again by her dark brown curls in the neverending wind. Her posture was melancholy as her small frame was weighed by the emotional weight of the world. But the most memorable thing about her, were her eyes. Earthy green as mother nature herself, her irises could summon your soul into them.

She explained to me with her gentle and motherly voice, that many confuse the title "goddess of love" to be the controller of all romantic feelings in every human. When in actual fact, it means she is able to love as powerfully and deeply as a goddess. She never claimed she was the original goddess, but she might just well be the real deal.

"Being the Lover of All, is both absolute pain and absolute joy. Whichever it is, I cannot stop it, because it is who I am."

The grass of the field rippled in waves as the wind blew. The clouds were heavy and roiling across the sky. There she waits, for what I do not know. But she waits....

The first ruler of Mnemosyne and oldest resident requested solitude for her brooding. With her eyes looking straight through me, I began moving away as if through a wormhole folding in on itself. I knew I was about to meet the second.

(to be continued)